Ijaazat

Tumhi se sharma ke tumhi me chhup jana,
Bht yaad aaega tumhara yun batein batana..
Dekh kar meri aankhein
Mera har dard samjh jana,
Bhool nahi paungi
Tumhara chhupke se aa k
Mujhe bas sambhal lena…

Jahan se guzro
Har us jagah me khushiyan bhar dena,
Aankhon me aansun ho kar bhi
Khud ko bilkul theek batana
Maaf shayad nahi kar paungi
Tumhara apne har dard ko
Khud hi me samet lena..

Khushiyon ki khanak
To bikher hi dete ho
Kabhi man kare
To dard baant lenge baith kar
Mera khayal to rakh hi lete ho
Kabhi tumhara bhi rakh lenge
Ijazat ho agar….

As the love shines bright

I know I’m young but life wore me out too soon
With you I was young again
With you I was myself again


The girl that would run in the corridors of the school
To hand over a letter she wrote for him
The girl who would slap the girl
Who called her a witch
The girl who would look at the stars and think
What would a black hole mean
The girl who would look at the leaves falling and think
I guess this is the way in love it would feel
Golden and effortless
Like falling feels in sunshine

The girl who would fight
The girl who would give it a chance anyway
Because why not
She would sing, mimic and debate
She would play the instrument of her choice every morning
Fearless she would walk
And dance to her heart’s content
For that girl, at that moment
The world was limitless
Her love was limitless

And just like the leaves fall from those trees in autumn..
So did her life
She endured no doubt
But with the strength she gained
The love she had for life turned fragile
Thank you for returning her to me
I guess you’d be soon gone from my life
But that girl smiles
As she holds your hand
And both of you jump on the stack of the fallen leaves
As the sun shines bright

Our demons

Our demons danced together
and it was better than heaven
Life at its best
even if it’s coloured leaden

Couldn’t have asked for anything else
than for me to be my honest self
to sleep in your arms like a baby
to be warrior for the battle that comes next

Better than the things we deliberately create
Nothing compares to the genuine love and the raw hate
For Gods to dance together in heaven is plain
Oh dear, for the demons of two people
to dance together insane

Fire all around, devoured the world sat
no passion can ever be better than that
Toxic, terrible, poisonous they said
Oh baby that’s my holy grail
for whatever it takes

He pushed me through the cliff
I fall down after
only to find him waiting
at the heaven’s alter

Intensity of death in a moment’s conscience
a thousand times over for a death so bright
Choosing you was not my choice,
losing you wasn’t either
Thankful to you I am, now that we end the plight

How did you know
that the color I was hiding was blue
until I suffered from the same pain as you
No matter where we are my fellow demon
I’ll always love you..

My heart recalls

Bumped upon few of your letters
Even for a moment, felt I was loved just by reading it
cz you might certainly not know but it’s pretty lonely here..
in my heart for the past few years

And frighteningly so but your love still echoes in my heart and I long for it on some days like this..nothing new about it now I’m sure..

Not written for the past few years,
my heart feels empty..
nothing ignites a spark
nothing aches my soul..
what do I write if not letters to you..
the ones you’ll never read..
the ones upon which I’ll be mocked upon to have been stuck on for so long..

What do I write?
As if the only subject of both my affection and words were you for so long..
That I have lost the will to even set my inspiration on someone or something else upon

Too long I recall, to have forgotten everything
But how do I explain that I still long for
Not just the pretty words but the ardent storms you brought in my soul
Not only the smiles and showers of laughter I have borrowed from you
But also the tears of agony you’ve lent me

Written a lot about many other things for a decade
Stuck on you was this poet
After a whirlwind of love, the story we shared..
Written none of you
But all for you
And yet here I stand
Aching to write
A little about me and the world around
And you stand there smiling
As if you are what everything surrounds..

Incomplete as I’m
Incomplete shall this poem remain..
I await you and so the poem awaits..

Ignited is just one flame
Today upon glancing at you
after ages
I wonder if the poet in me loved you more than me
Betrayed I am by you,
By her
Forgotten is love
Forgotten is the entire Avenue..

Alone sits the writer staring at the empty sky
Alone mourns the lover
With no hope in her eyes..

Poems and Algorithms

There’s a rush, there’s a thrill but with a certain stability and a smile, when you do what you love. I’m a writer you see…codes and poems..I write both and these two things get me, the best of me. There are no doubts, nothing illogical..pure logic, pure love. Here’s to my love for code, logic and universe. And on the other side to my love for poems, stories, flowers and literature.

While I Brew a coffee, pick my specs, open my laptop and start to code. The way it challenges me is so fulfilling. The way the entire day is gone and I don’t even realise. The thirst of my brain is somewhat quenched. The rush it was seeking subsides for a little while.

It’s evening now, it’s raining outside, I pick a book, a diary and a pen, it’s nothing like how the day went by. I come across a beautiful poem, Frost you may say..or Shakespeare, or Plath.
An emotion takes over, I’m certainly reminded of something. While I’m soaking in, in my memories..my mind is brewing words and my heart is weaving a story, a poem. And like tears fall on your cheeks, naturally and uncontrollably…I pour down all of it on those crimson pages…and hence a soul is satisfied.

If my poems are pure emotion, coding is pure logic. Two different worlds that complete my being.

I seek and fall in love with challenges and complexities every day. But emotions are what I seek equally everyday. It’s neither possible nor necessary to conquer each emotion or every challenge you face but I think feeling and facing it is what keeps being alive interesting.

Here’s to not getting enough of life, love and logic !

The meaning of life

“The existential vacuum which is the mass neurosis of the present time can be described as a private and personal form of nihilism; for nihilism can be defined as the contention that being has no meaning.”

For the world to been have so intricately designed and/or evolved over a million light years with just the right amount of everything for life to prevail, for schedules and processes to cultivate, contain and maintain life and all the related things,
It would be, in my opinion quite unfair to be called ‘meaningless’ especially when your heart is beating and you are breathing right there supported by the same design, existing  just at the centre of it !

And as supported by Victor Frankl, survivor of four concentration camps and as such that he also bears witness to the unexpected extent to which a person is capable of defying and braving even the worst conditions conceivable, it might be fair enough to say the ones who have seen life drifting away in front of their eyes will be the last people to question the meaning of life.

Not that suffering is the only meaning of life but suffering definitely is one of the major definitions of the inherent meaning of life. But then again, to live is human, to err is human and to question is human ! And so the quest to search for the meaning of life will forever continue and I guess that too in itself one of the multiple meanings of life.

I refuse to believe

If you can move over the song
That said it feels like heaven with me
May be love is nothing but an illusion

May be we as humans surrender
Only to what’s important
And to the convenience of what we need

If a term like ‘break up’ exists
It can only mean
There is love
But no true love

It is as situational as sleep
And as instinctive as hunger

If change is the only constant
I doubt there was ever an eternal love

No matter how much I want to believe
My love is longer than my life..
And your heart will belong to me forever
I know it isn’t,

I know the need to survive
Is may be greater than all
And love, as natural as it is
As beautiful as it is
Is more of an adornation
A rhetorical metaphor

You fall in love someday,
And someone else a few years later
What is love if it cannot be fought for ?
If it’s not selfishness,
And the helplessness to survive,
That inspires companionship..
What exactly is ?
Is love actually a nature’s trick ?

It’s a timeless question a lover asks,
When being abandoned
What about all the promises you made ?
What about the moments we spent together and thought we’ll be together forever..

God forbid those vows be broken,
But if they can be,
Whether easily or in agony

Pardon do I ask,
But I doubt on the existence of love
If it thus be broken so easily
In the presence of fear
Or a blissful empathy
I refuse to believe that love exists..

If life be this complicated
And love comes so easy
Rebukes on the existence of it,
Rebukes on the irony of it..

—If an argument be,
It’s real we all can feel it.
Universal in its nature,
No one can deny it exists.

Then I might be forced to think
If we have bent love too as a concept that suits only it’s exploitation ?
Exactly what we did to all other things..—

While using everything to our advantage,
When the greed exceeds the need
I guess, the quality of everything deteriorates
And love in this case
Might be the culprit, might be the victim too..

And again as we can only question It’s existence
Like we do of God..
I guess like in tough times,
She is the only one we remember.
Even if don’t believe in it..
So we remember love,
When we are in the most need of it..

But no matter how much you are..
In anger or in agony,
And question the existence of love
Or life or the truthfulness of the person in question,
For a brief amount of time,
When you remember their name and your heart skips a beat..

No matter how much you deny,
That was love in all it’s might
You were in love inspite of all the fright
And that was all you knew love to be..

Time passes, life grows old..
You will someday run out of time..
But never of love..
And that’s what will support,
All the fallacies you refuse to believe in

Denial or acceptance
Belief or refusal..
You surrender..
And like the rain
Quenches the fiery fire,
Your questions are only the fumes that arise..

Helpless you kneal down,
Clueless you sit
And stare at it raining
May be you’ll never know if it exists or not
But you wonder..
You can only wonder…

That may be Love is not what ceases to exist,
It’s your belief that does..
And no matter how much you question
That was all you knew love to be…



With or without you..

Often the people who love fiercely function between the all and the nothings. Either they are too scared to step out the super high walls they’ve built around themselves or they look at you destroy their entire castle and still have love in their eyes.

No doubt the two situations converge but somewhere in the parallel. We don’t yet know what ‘nothing’ & ‘nothing’ are called when combined together and ‘all’ & ‘all’ are too fierce to exist in one single dimension called reality.

Rewind the frame and there were two people, their ‘all’ did converge at a point. Even so, for them, that short time together was a lifetime. It used to be cold, it used to be dark but who cares if they are amidst something so rare.

How difficult it is to wait for something to happen, without any certainty if it actually would. But she did, and who knew he would too and that it was not her but him who drove all the momentum through.

They crossed paths, he looked at her, she didn’t notice. They exchanged glances, he couldn’t blink, she moved on. One lovely evening, when she was admiring the sea, brushing through her hair, he looked at her and couldn’t stop looking at her. This time, she noticed..but before she could think about anything, he disappeared. Many such evenings passed, she would wait at the shore, he would come to the surface look at her and dive back. Something stopped him from moving towards her. She stopped herself , the shore was her limit, though she wanted to move ahead, she was helpless.

By now, they had obviously fallen in love. Does love always require an expression, does love really needs to be told to be felt, well..I don’t think such is the case. But the questions that surround your affection, eventually push you towards expression. Because you want to know, what they feel, what they think and hence you ask yourself the final question – would anything change even if they didn’t ? Certainly not ! Then it’s not a waste to be waiting..days..weeks..forever ? And finally her patience paid off.

He showed up on the shore, however said nothing. Everyday they would meet at the shore, she would giggle and he would smile..in a moreover deserted world, they were always there for each other. When they were together it was not always beautiful but peaceful, nonetheless like the rest of the world had just disappeared.   

She wanted to but never said anything, stepping into that territory, she was afraid, it would break her again. Little did she know, he too was, broken..already and rather too afraid to risk ‘her’ love in vain.

How strange, isn’t it ? The shallower the love is, you don’t even give it a second thought and the more it deepens, ‘fear’ is all you are surrounded with.

They were well aware of their differences but so down in love they never wanted to open eyes and look at what was about to be standing in front of them soon. But, who cares about promises when you are in the making of it. Time does not pass in minutes but moments when you are with your special someone in solace.

She wondered if someday, she could hold his hand and introduce him to the flowers she loved, show him the warmth her land used to hold. She wanted to give him all of the love and warmth of the world, often afraid if he would be able to bear it. She knew his strength lied in the waters, the land would weaken him..

I wonder how she never noticed, his feet on the ridge, appearing out of darkness just to meet her. He wished so bad but could not invite her, he knew she wouldn’t be able to survive within. But what is to happen, happens. That day, she moved forward like she has gathered all the strength she had, she walked and walked till the edge. To meet him ? To see him ? and oh she fell down ! Was she really so naive ? I still wonder if it happened to be a fall or she chose to drown herself, so that with him she could be.

And then it happened, the convergence. She fell down and he found her. That’s when they were actually together, for the first time. United in the deep dark sea. Cold it was, so much more than a creature fragile like her can take. But it was her choice, wasn’t it ? She didn’t belong here. He knew that, so did she. She wouldn’t care but he will have to help her leave. How he wished he could keep her with himself, all his life but you don’t destroy the things you love, right ? For as long as she lives and she smiles, how does it matter how many miles ? 

He held her hand, led her up and she would look at him, resisting to leave, questions in her eyes but he said nothing. Naive as she was, again to believe that he was leaving to be with her..in the lands or maybe find a new world together. Happier that she would be in the light again, with him on the bright sparkling sand. She would smile and pull him towards herself. But that’s not how it was meant to be.

Almost there, on the edge they were. A new life, a forever awaits, there it was the only moment she waited for. They held hands, bent ahead, he pushed her forward and fell down. She turned back and couldn’t believe what just happened. Taking silence for answers, was her punishment.

She kept bending over and calling his name, with tears in his eyes he sank deeper. He didn’t answer he disappeared again.

Alone in the warmth she stared at the sea. The sun was shining bright, the flowers were blooming high but it felt colder than it was there inside. She was finally there where she belonged, but somehow it didn’t feel right. While she waited at the edge everyday, with no other consideration in her mind. But her world had no value without him anymore but she was not made to survive in that world either.

Little did she know, he kept waiting in the depths with his horrid dark fears all night long. He would look at the sky and wonder why they couldn’t be together in one land. She stared at the ridge, trembling . Was she naive or she had just tasted betrayal ? She stood no chance to doubt her love.  The heart that brought her all the warmth , was what she left behind in the waters with him. Nothing seemed fancy, nothing beautiful, nothing felt warm, nothing she could ever believe in.

Heartbroken she sat at the edge of the water, used to call his name but he wouldn’t appear..and the days moved ahead. Everything in daylight seemed  futile.

And what about him ? Trust me, he was used to the cold, the darkness inside but now he used to miss her more in his plight, after all he had found the meaning of his life. But he was scared, scared of the same sunshine. What if he couldn’t survive the overwhelming heat that co-exists but how would he live without her light ? But what if he gave away his deep waters for the glowing light and could not find her in the dry.

What if he was left alone in the broad daylight, it would keep burning him. Everything except his girl in that world was brittle and fiery. But living without her burns more in the water so cold. Was she all that he has ever loved. But how could have he stepped out ?

The sun was on the horizon, the wind blowing fast. It was intense. The heat of the wind carried by the cold wave. She had already waited for so long, she could not spare anymore time, she thought to herself. she closed her eyes and dived, deep into the water. She slipped, she kept on falling down, couldn’t help just drown..

While he left to find her in the world where she belongs, to conquer all his fears and finally be with her. Now, that he knew she was all he has ever wanted and will ever want. She fell down and set her gravest fears aside, he stepped out to face the mighty heat.

He closed his eyes and gave up his life. She closed her eyes and set herself free. She fell down and so did he, He never came back and she is still under the deep dark sea..

Carnations

white-flower-bunch
sorce:diyweddingdecorations

I would often be amazed at her love for flowers. Several of my friends would often refuse flowers because they thought it’s not fair as they had to die however. “So do we, isn’t it ?” she used to say “does that make life any less beautiful ?”

‘Unconventional’ I would call her. For her ideas and the way she lived her life.

“Hey, which one of these would you call your favourite?” looking at the thousands of flowers in the nursery, I asked.

“Carnations.”

“Why though…?” I could only wonder looking at the dullness of it compared to the light in her eyes. Why would she choose these over all the colourful and fragrant ones out there. But they were very simple and elegant in their appearance. Not convincing enough, I thought to myself.

But was that really the way she would think about it while she felt she loved it ?

It was time she would answer his question. “ Something that adds to the beauty of both the beholder and the companion, a simplicity that outshines the colours and above all the stubbornness to stay, not perish while all the beautiful ones would already have. All of us need something like this in our life, don’t we?”

How I wished I could tell her that I was here to stay, before it was too late. Stubborn? Yes, she too was. She fought it, but she could not win.

With a bunch of carnations in my hand, now when I stand in front of where she now resides, I could only think of what she used to tell me whenever we were around flowers.

“Had you known you were going to live forever there had been no beauty in life, you know it’s gonna end someday, so you live..you celebrate. It could not have been otherwise. Anything that is beautiful is often short lived Aaron and that is what is so beautiful about it.”

Had I known she is not gonna be with me even a year, let alone forever, had I not held her and squeezed her and had my eternity embraced in my arms just for a few more minutes. I imagine her holding the same flowers walking down the aisle while I would wait for her with a ring in my hand. That was my forever, and I missed it, even if not for me she deserved it.

But late, as I always was. Short-lived, what my love story was. But isn’t everything that is beautiful has always been.

The First

So this is the first content of my very first step towards realizing the very part of my existence. With no efforts to make it appear fancy or appealing, I would just go ahead and write because when you write, you leave the infinitesimal yet significant traces of yourself on the page you write. You write and you sing, you write and you dance, you write and you ‘live’. So here it is, my very first celebration of a desire and a passion I have been cherishing since a long long time.

To the new beginning !